


When the Dark Clouds Clear Up

by LolaLot



Series: Days [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 11:49:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4786283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LolaLot/pseuds/LolaLot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been six months since the dreaded mission. Sakura has been avoiding Kakashi, much to his chagrin. Luck is on his side when the Hokage sends them on a mission together to mend their damaged relationship. As their friendship is slowly restored, the kunoichi opens up to him once more. Yet, even if the situation improves, what she is about to tell him will break his heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Here comes the sequel of One Day! For those who haven't read it and don't plan to but still want to read this one... While I would recommend reading it because the point of a sequel is to keep going on what was previously written, it isn't necessary. Just by reading this story by itself, everything should make sense. You just need to know what Kakashi and Sakura have been on month-and-a-half-long mission where they were kept captive, and Sakura was beaten and raped to obtain information from Kakashi.

For those who have read One Day, I'm glad to see you again! Thank you for sticking with me.

For the news one... I also set up a blog for anything that has to do with my writing. All my stories as well as some oneshots are posted there. I also tend to share about random things that are interesting to me at the moment. You can find it at:

**www . lolalotsbook . blogspot . ca**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto or any of its characters and make no money from this. Masashi Kishimito does.

\---

**Phase One**

_To heal, you must acknowledge._

\-----

A single dark eye contemplated the amber liquid that filled his glass, watching the various reflections of his thoughts swimming in the beer as if they would bear the answers the slouching man was seeking. There was little will in him left to sip on the cold beverage; the empty

cks that littered the table had since long drowned any common sense he might have once possessed. The familiar buzz of the alcohol had started making his head spin quite a while earlier, a meager price to pay for the quiet numbing it brought. The headaches, the nausea, any other incovenience it caused, he would deal with without a complaint. After all, those pains were miniscule compared to the one he felt when sober. A gaping hole in his chest might have been a good comparison.

With every month that passed, enduring this horrible wound gradually became his routine. No ointment or bandage could heal a broken heart, unfortunately. There was no choice but to wake up every day and go on with life. Or at least, that was what Kakashi believed. Any other options that presented themselves to him were laughable at best. End his life? How ridiculous. Being gone wouldn't solve a thing for her. Maybe naïvely, he clung to the belief that she still cared for him nonetheless. Bed countless women to be offered the warmth he sought? How useless. No woman could ever lift his spirits like she knew so well how to accomplish. Drown his sorrows in a bottomless bottle? Even if she would chatise him for the abuse to his liver, it provided the relief he so dearly needed.

For six months, all he caught of her were glimpses of pink hair among the crowd, the occasional feel of her chakra when he visited the hospital. If he was lucky, every now and then she would be distracted enough to grant him a brief glance of her pretty emerald eyes. Those rare gifts, few and far between, did little to fill the void her absence created. To top it off, he had little to busy himself with. Out of pity, the Hokage had sent few missions his way. At first, she claimed it was so his body could heal fully before taking another round of abuse. The injuries to his legs had since long disappeared, but work was still scarce. He must have done something to get on Tsunade's bad side without realizing it.

"Nothing will magically pop out of your drink," Genma sighed, cheek propped on his fist, "if that's what you were hoping for."

At the sound of his friend's voice, Kakashi's head shot up to look at the man sitting across the table. Guilt seeped into him as he became aware of how long he must have been ignoring his company. The brunette had offered to take him out once more, hoping to drag his comrade out the hole he buried himself in. The gesture was truly appreciated by the silver-haired jonin, though he couldn't find it in himself to express his gratitude.

"Sorry." Kakashi chuckled, forcing his trademark smile. "I was distracted."

"You call that distracted?" Genma frowned. "I'd hate to see you spaced out."

"Shut up." The sharingan user muttered, leaning his chin into his palm. His eye wandered around the dingy bar, seldom latching on anything in particular as nothing caught his attention.

"No. I've had enough of this." The other man snapped as he slammed his fist on the table, paying no attention the surprised looks the other patrons threw his way. "You've gotta do something about this Sakura situation."

At the mention of her name, the Copy Nin's eye narrowed and glared dangerously at the senbon chewer, lips sealed tightly to ensure silence.

"Wipe that look off your face!" Genma seethed and stood from his seat. "If you're not gonna talk to her, then I'll drag her here myself."

"Turn it down and sit down." Kakashi hissed back. "I don't see how I can do a fucking thing about this situation if she won't even say a word to me."

At the very end of their argument, back on the date he would remember as the worst of his life, she had admitted to caring deeply for him. The words would have cheered him up, if they hadn't been the equivalent of being stabbed in the gut. She liked him, could have accepted him as more than a friend, but he had ruined things and made his presence unbearable to her.

"You have to talk to her, man." His companion complained after he'd dropped back onto his behind. "This has been lasting for far too long already. Nothing's gonna get any better if ya don't do something."

Kakashi slouched against the back of his seat and raked his fingers through his hair. Obviously, his friend was right. Without any sort of contact or exchange, nothing would change betwee him and her. Yet, he failed to come up with a way to approach her. She would shoot him down in an instant.

"I'm sure you have a suggestion as to how I should do this, then?" He replied, raising an eyebrow and eyeing him expectantly.

"Sorry." With a shake of his head, Genma exhaled, exasperated.

"I do want things to get better," Kakashi added, "but I just don't know what to do."

The hopeless expression on his comrade's face signaled that this conversation's end was already long overdue to the Copy Nin. With a sigh of his own, he stood up and wave at him.

"My bed's calling me. I'll see you later."

\---

The air around them weighed down on the duo, heavy with tension. After so long without speaking a word to each other, walking side by side only resulted in awkward silence and stiff movements. Kakashi was tempted to tilt his head back and demand an answer from the sky, to know how the Hokage had come to the conclusion that sending them on a mission together was a good idea. There was the possibility that Genma, his supposed best friend, had gone and babbled to Tsunade about his predicament.

To make matters worse, their assignment was a puny B-rank. More or less two weeks in duration and with the simplest of goals, retrieve a stolen item and return it. The time he had the privilege of spending with her was more than welcome. Only, he'd hoped that it would have been her decision, not her mentor forcing her into this. Her silence throughout the whole day was solid proof of her bitterness from being shoved into this useless mission.

Without a word, the male jonin stopped in his tracks and dropped his backpack carelessly. They would rest for the night. Taking the hint, she stopped and imitated him before retrieving her sleeping bag from her own luggage. Barely a minute later, they were both ready to lay down and let this day end.

"You'll have to talk to me sooner or later." Kakashi stated coolly, unable to keep quiet for a minute longer.

A small range of emotion flickered in her eyes, from sadness and despair to anger and betrayal. Maybe she had believed he wouldn't try to speak to her. Mixed feelings towards him most likely rendered choosing an appropriate answer a demanding task.

"It doesn't matter if you don't love me back." He added, ignoring the sour taste the words left on his tongue. "It's okay, but this can't go on."

"I know." She muttered, glancing at him through her eyelashes. There was some progress, at the least.

"Why won't you talk to me then?" Impatience lined his words with haste. "Is it because of my confession?"

"No," She blurted out, tangling the fingers of one her hands in her pink hair before continuing, "not entirely at least. It's the whole situation with you."

"Can you tell me more?" Kakashi almost pleaded, eye locked on her. He tried to be careful not to rush her, but he needed answers. She pratically shrank when his gaze remained on her too long.

"I just don't want to think of that mission." The pinkette sighed. "I don't want to think of you as someone I can't trust."

Even if his stomach dropped as he processed her words, the last sentence encouraged him to keep going. As much as it hurt to be told that he'd broken her trust, he couldn't deny that it was true. If he had believed in her as he should have, then she might have handled the situation better than he did.

"You have to come to terms with it, it's been too long." Kakashi muttered quietly. "Even if it doesn't excuse what I've done, I acted only to get you out of there."

"Because you didn't think I could handle it, didn't you?"

The venom in her voice was startled her companion, though it didn't deter him just yet. This girl had to get rid of this ridiculous belief that her teammates still didn't value her.

"You're better than that, Sakura." He whispered, the gentleness in his tone surprising him. "You're an amazing woman. I was the one who couldn't handle it."

Jade eyes widened at his newest statement as she raised her head, finally looking at him.

"I accept all the blame that you put on me." Kakashi continued, now staring at the grass at his feet. "I let my feelings interfere with the mission and you have every right to be angry at me."

"I just want Sakura back."

Tears welled up in her softened eyes, threatening to spill as she spoke. "I don't want to hurt you, Kakashi."

He offered her a heartfelt, warm smile and closed his eye. "That's more than enough for me."

\---

"I want to clean up." Sakura let out as a river appeared in their sight. For a late spring evening, the day proved to be prematurely hot. A little soak would do them both some good.

Interpreting his silence as approval, and rightly so, she stripped down to her shorts and tank top before slipping into the water. For a moment, the fact that she kept her shirt on baffled him. Though, with a little thought, it only made sense.

He jumped in the water with her once the only clothes left on him were his boxers, finding no reason to hide from her. Deep down, he wondered to what extent Koroku had damaged her. As far as he knew, Sakura had kept her distance from any males, even within their own team. Naruto had complained several times about the little amount of time she reserved for him in her busy schedule. Avoiding them entirely had certainly been out of the question, in order to appear okay to everyone.

Carefully, he approached her, the way you would a small animal that you didn't want to scare away. She stood in a shallower part of stream, where the water only reached her hips.

"Can I see them?" Kakashi asked softly, referring to her scars. She turned her head to the side, biting her lip in reluctance. "You shouldn't worry about them. Scars aren't unattractice unless they disfigure you." He tried to reassure, certain that her thoughts were far from worries over her apperance, but rather a fear to show her body to a man.

"Okay." She ground out.

Slowly, he reached for the hem of her shirt and dragged it up, brushing his fingers against her skin. The contact hadn't been necessary, rather a display of his selfish desire to feel her skin against his again after so long without the faintest touch. Breaking eye contact with her, he lowered his gaze to her toned stomach, observing the raised and darker skin that indicated where she had been stabbed. They had healed nicely, even without immediate medical attention, he noted. Under his digits, he could feel her muscles tensing, no matter how hard she tried to conceal it.

"If you don't want me to touch you, you should say so." Kakashi whispered, brushing the tip of his fingers against her scars before she had the chance to voice her disagreement.

No reply came. Watching her reaction, he could tell she was mentally arguing over which answer would benefit her the most. On his side, he was fighting a similar battle. He knew she would rather he stopped, yet he felt no need to. It might have been only an excuse to extend the moment, but he assumed she had to face her fears at some point.

The hand that wasn't against her abdomen travelled up to cup her cheek carefully, continuing on to stroke her hair. After so long, he'd almost forgotten how it felt. Silky and soft. Keeping a distance between them was becoming harder by the second, but he refused to cross that line when his affection was unwanted, to take advantage of her reluctance to state her discomfort. By now, he could feel her trembling under his fingers.

"That's enough." She breathed out as she backed away a step.

"That's better." He encouraged, flashing her his usual smile. Rejection hurt, it always did. Knowing that she would stand up for herself in a situation that wasn't okay with her made up for it, though.

\---

Sakura's quiet breathing was the only sound that filled air. Quite some time had passed since she'd fallen asleep, but the peaceful slumber remained elusive to the Copy Nin. The constant flow of thoughts that assaulted his mind were most likely responsible for his inability to rest. Night was a time he both feared and waited for impatiently. Should he be able to sleep quickly, the hours of unconsciousness would be a haven away from his troubled routine. On the opposite side, until he reached that comfortable state, the emptiness and silence surrounding him left wide open the dam that retained his inner turmoil.

When all the distractions were gone with the sun, what else was there to focus on? He had no choice but to be left alone with himself. With the regrets, the anger, the pain; everything that proved he was only human in the end. Sakura's image never went away. The darkness claimed his right to his own decisions, forced him to mull over everything he kept locked up so skillfully during the day.

How was Sakura? The team evaded the subject almost entirely. He was the only one who knew. He wouldn't divulge her secret either, so they would never be told from a mouth other than hers. To be the only soul to be aware of it, to have witnessed the ridiculous abuse she endured, placed him a position he never wanted to be in again. Even if he knew of everything that had transpired on that cursed mission, the key to her heart remained in her hands. No matter how familiar he was with Sakura, what happened in that pink head of hers was something he was not privy to.

To see that she had no desire to be close to men was easy, maybe even if only because of his knowledge of her treatment at the hands of Koroku. She had never been a busy bee as far as flirting and relationships were concerned. The opposite sex had seemed to lose its appeal to her after Sasuke, so her avoidance was nothing out of the ordinary either. Yet, his touch, friendly or romantic, had never made her nervous before. Insecurity wasn't a word he would have used to define her anymore.

A picture of his closest friend crying herself to sleep popped up, causing his insides to twist at the sight. It wasn't the first time he saw such a heartbreaking image, far from that in fact, yet it never failed to make him wish to be blind.

How deep did her wounds run? He could only hope that the trauma was far behind her enough so that moments of it didn't replay in her head every day. The Copy Nin had experienced this after plenty of missions himself, the stress it caused was all to familiar to him.

From what their teammates said, she had also been avoiding mission, preferring work in the hospital instead. Tsunade had only sent her on five assignments if his count was any good. He hadn't had many himself, eight to be exact, but that hadn't been by choice. Being a medic within the walls fo the village was safe for her. She was in control and no one approached her since she was always busy. It was a perfect environment to escape from yourself.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Thank you for all the reviews! I'm happy to see people stayed with me. The updates for this one will be a bit slower than One Day's, since the chapters of Clouds are two to six times the previous length. I'm also going to be working a lot on Porcelain since I published the first chapter and don't want to keep anyone waiting too long! I'm pretty sure there will be at least one a week though. Is that reasonnable?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters and make no money from this. Masashi Kishimito does.**

**...**

**Phase Two**

_To heal, you must admit._

**...**

The inn was the spitting image of the town itself. Ordinary, maybe a tad run down. On the upside, even an uncomfortable bed was better than the ground. Happiness had to be found in the small gifts, Kakashi liked to believe. Finding this establishment before the night became too dark was another event he could rejoice in. Not that it really lightened the Copy Nin's mood.

"A room for two, seperate beds." Kakashi asked as he reached the counter. The clerk barely spared them a glance since their entrance, so he returned the courtesy. No need to greet someone who was so impolite.

"No, only one bed." Sakura quickly corrected as she stepped besides him and threw him a strange look.

"As she says." He shrugged when the owner lifted his eyebrow in annoyance.

The room was just what they had paid for. Little. At least, the sheets and blanket looked clean; the scent of fresh laundry still hung in the air. The lack of window could be considered a plus considering their occupation. No need to worry about anyone sneaking in while the night to slit their throat. Though, that might have been a welcome surprise on such a boring mission.

Kakashi dropped his belongings in a corner before shrugging out of his flak jacket. From the corner of his eye, he could see Sakura doing the same and observing the bed. So much for finding happiness in not sleeping on the floor tonight.

"Why did you insist on a single bed?" He asked as he pulled his oversized shirt over his head.

"It's what was planned in the mission budget." Sakura replied bluntly. "It's what we always take anyway."

True, though it still made little sense to him. Certainly, she wouldn't accept to sleep in the same bed as him. Maybe it was only to keep up appearances once more, so no clue was left in their expenses report.

"I'll sleep on the floor." Kakashi let out as he fetched his sleeping bag.

"I don't mind-" He shook his head, cutting her off immediately.

"Sakura, it's okay." He reassured as he unrolled it by the bed, taking up almost all the free space in the room. "I'm fine with it."

His teammate pursed her lips, mostly likely unconsciously from the distant expression she wore. After a second of thought, she moved to sit on the bed and fidgeted with her bag. Sitting on his bedroll, he sighed inwardly. The Sakura he knew seemed so far away.

"Don't fret over this so much." Kakashi let out when she still didn't relax a few minutes later. "I understand."

"I shouldn't have told you..." Sakura mumbled as she laid down on the bed, facing him.

"You didn't need to." He whispered as he gazed into her troubled viridian orbs. The haze of turmoil that clouded them sent a twinge of sadness in his chest. "I already knew. I guess I chose to ignore it."

The girl rolled onto her stomach, hands fisting in the blanket at the sides of her head.

"I didn't want you to know." She mumbled in the mattress, barely audible.

"It's better if I know." Kakashi muttered as he lowered himself to the floor to get ready to sleep.

"How?" Sakura asked as she stood up to switch the lights off, hiding the tears he hadn't yet seen but had already caught the scent of.

"Because you're not alone in this, unless you choose to be."

His partner remained silent. He heard the shifting of the bed as she climbed on it and assumed she preferred to sleep than continue with this conversation. Closing his eyes, he hoped she would open up to him with time. In the end, he came to the conclusion that Tsunade had deliberately sent them on this easy mission to help her apprentice to overcome her new fear. It was impossible that the woman had missed such a detail; he could see the worry in her eyes whenever they'd spoken of the younger woman.

Maybe one of the goals was even to give him an opportunity to mend their relationship, considering how close they had been prior to this mess. The Hokage trusted him entirely, he was certain. That was why he'd been her only partner in the last six months. Whether or not it was better that the Fifth knew of his feelings for Sakura was a blur. This assignment would be tough for the Copy Nin, to say the least. To be so close to her, yet still kept at a safe distance was disheartening.

**...**

Their source had said they would find the gang of bandits who had stolen the item they were after would be hanging out at this bar. They had been right; the group could be found causing a ruckus in the back. From the booth Kakashi and Sakura shared, they had a clear view of the men, as well of the jewel that they were after. The idiots were showing it off, gloating about their latest raid. A glance in the owner's way showed Kakashi an old man, surely in his sixties, who appeared more than uncomfortable. The patrons that frequented his business were most likely not to his tastes.

"Hey, Pinkie!" One of the thieves called out as he made his way to their table.

The Copy Nin didn't how to interpret Sakura's narrowed eyes and tightened grip on her glass. From what he was used to, the girl wouldn't hesitate to shatter the glass and reduce the table to rubble if a man hit on her the wrong way, but now he had no idea what to expect.

"What is it?" Sakura spat as he leaned on the table, visibly ogling her.

"I was thinking you'd look nice in my bed." The stranger said, fingers brushing against the dagger that hung from his belt. "So why dont'cha just follow me there?"

Kakashi moved to stand up, but Sakura's hand held him back as she jumped to her feet, one fist down on the table.

"How about we make this more interesting, scumbag?" She replied, a confident smirk on her lips.

"Ooh, brave, aren't ya?" He replied, flashing her a smile. "What d'ya had in mind, sweetheart?"

"Let's down shots until one of us pukes." Sakura challenged, crossing her arms over her chest. "If you win, you get me for the night. I win, you give me that necklace you've been playing with for the last half an hour."

Her opponent burst out laughing as she finished her last sentence, obviously finding the idea that a woman could beat him to a drinking game ridiculous. Kakashi slouched back in his seat, letting the back of his head hit the top of the booth. He didn't know Sakura. Only one time had he made the mistake of taking her on and he still regretted it. Anyone who thought their natural ability to stomach alcohol could match her medic skills was a fool.

And so, the thief and medic sat at a table, surrounded by shooter glasses filled with whiskey and curious people. The female glared, while the male grinned. Kakashi could only watch, exasperated. Snatching the jewelry away would have been so much simpler.

It was only twenty minutes later that the thief had vomitted. Right on the table, too. So classy. Sakura howled victiorously as her intoxicated brain processed the information, pumping her first in the air. Without hesitation, she grabbed the necklace that lay on the table before sticking her tongue out to the band of bandits.

"Time to go." Kakashi chimed in as he locked his around around Sakura's and pulled her towards the exit so they could return to the inn. It was already too late to head back to Konoha right then.

**...**

"Are you okay?" Kakashi asked as they walked back towards their shelter. The way her green eyes locked with his for a second let him know she was aware of every underlying meaning of his question, even if she was slightly drunk.

"Of course I am." She replied as glowing hands hovered over her stomach, not doubt helping her liver to filter the alcohol in her system. "No matter how I feel, I won't let these kind of men think they can boss me around if I can help it. I would just rather avoid them."

"I think you traumatized them." He chuckled as he watched her walk ahead of him, a slight sway in her step. While her ability to modify her metabolism without any kind of hand seals was unmatched, the speed at which she had downed the drinks had been impressive. "I don't think they'll be harassing any other woman for a while."

"I wouldn't be surprised if that asshole died of alcohol poisoning." Sakura spat as she removed her hands from her abdomen, finally sober enough. "I know I would have if I wasn't a medic."

Back in their room, Kakashi moved to lay down on his sleeping bag as Sakura plopped down on the bed, slightly drained from the chakra she had used to return to a normal state.

"You should sleep on the bed tonight." He heard his partner's timid voice offer, encouraging him to sit up and lay an arm on the bed so he could lean on it.

"I don't mind the floor, Sakura." The Copy Nin repeated with a quiet smile.

"No." His teammate reiterated as she climbed higher up the bed. "Sleep with me."

The latter sentence caused his heart to miss a beat, until the odd look she was giving him assured him that she only wanted to share the bed.

"You don't have to." He replied when he pulled away from the mattress, only to be stopped by her grip on his arm.

"Just do it." Sakura mumbled as she tugged at his arm, expression soft and hesitant.

Obeying her, Kakashi hauled himself on top of the comfy furniture. It appeared comfy when compared to the floor, at least. After pulling the blanket over his shoulders, he turned his back to her, taking up as little space as he could. The temptation to roll over her and pull her into his arms rendered his body stiff, but he refused to give in. What else would he do, if she allowed him to hold her again?

Much to his surprise, the younger woman curled up behind him, shins brushing against the lower part of his back. Slim fingers stroked irregular patterns tenatively between his shoulders blades, pace leisurely and cautious.

"I know why Tsunade-shishou sent you with me on this mission." She stated blandly, breaking the awkward silence that had settled between them. "She's noticed."

Kakashi was mute. Whether it was from the way his heart pounded wildly in his chest or his inability to find words to say, he didn't know. Her digits continued their erratic dance, drawing swirls on his skin as they reached his shoulders and traced his bicep lazily. Warmth seeped from their tips into his flesh, lulling his hyperactive heart into a calmer, normal pace.

"I'm sorry for dragging you into this." Sakura's soothing voice breathed out into his hair. "I didn't want you to be put in such a postion..."

The Copy Nin sucked on his lower lip as her hot breath fanned against his neck, raising the small hairs there. Sighing, she inched closer to him and wrapped an arm around his torso as she pressed her nose to the base of his spine. When her body pressed firmly to his, she released a trembling breath into his shirt, fingernails digging into the material of it on is chest.

"Even if being around you is hard..." Sakura whispered hoarsely. "Your touch is the only one I can manage."

"Why?" Kakashi asked as he rolled onto his other side to gaze into her dull eyes, searching for an answer he was too biased not to find.

"I don't know..." She answered, tipping her chin lower. "Maybe because we were so close before."

Carefully, his hand cupped her cheek, thumb caressing the skin tenderly. His eye observed her attentively, waiting for his cue to stop. Until then, he decided, he could give in; only as long as she allowed him, he would indulge. Sakura remained silent and quiet, showing no sign of fear or nervosity. He ran his fingers through her hair delicately, stealing a glimpse of those plump pink lips he had dreamed of kissing not even two days earlier.

"Can I kiss you?" As long as she gave him permission, his will would crumble.

With a slow nod of her head, the last of his resolve withered, going down with his mask.

His lips pressed against hers gently, their owner intent on enjoying this one kiss fully. After placing a small peck on them, he captured her lower lip between his and locked his fingers in her hair on the back of her head while his other arm wrapped around her hips to pull her flush against him. He released her lip with a small pop before leaning in for another kiss. His mouth slanted against hers as his tongue darted out to drag the tip of it on her lip, coaxing her to grant him further access.

The low whimper she emitted allowed his tongue to explore deeper and find her own, to rub languidly against it. Feminine hands fisted in his shirt when he drew his tongue back, only to thrust back against her own fervently. With their bodies molded against one another, there was no doubt she could feel the evidence of his arousal against her stomach. The hand on her hip tightened its grip as Kakashi pressed his lips harder to hers, turning their slow and sensual kiss into a steamy and demanding exchange. When her hips ground against his, accompanied by a needy moan, he groaned into their kiss, his desire for her flaring up.

"We should stop..." He muttered as he broke the contact between their lips only long enough to speak, then pressing tender kisses against her lips as he waited for her response.

"That would be better." Sakura replied, sounding out of breath although he could hear a hint of relief in her tone.

"Good night, Sakura." The Copy Nin murmured, arms stubborn in their decision to keep her in their embrace.

**...**

Once more, Sakura was locked into his arms as they tried to sleep. They were already half way back to Konoha, most likely able to reach it the next day if they hurried their step. The temperature had dipped considerably in the meantime, motivating the pink-haired medic to ask that they share a sleeping to put each other's warmth to good use. She had probably grown tired of shaking from the cold, alone in her own while her ex-sensei seemed fine in his. Truth be told, he was quite cold as well, just not as prone to show it as she was.

"You know, sometimes..." Sakura started, tugging at his shirt to pull him closer. "I can't help but think about all of it again."

Rubbing his gloved hand up and down her arm to warm her up, Kakashi evaluated her words. Without a doubt, she was speaking of the events with Koroku. Most likely the moments she had tried to hide from him. As much as he wanted to hear none of it, he couldn't stop her if she was opening up to him. There was no one else who she could speak to; being selfish was not an option.

"What do you think of?" He inquired reluctantly as he buried his nose into her hair to hide his pained expression.

"Usually, it's the first time he..." She mumbled after a moment of hesitation. "The other times weren't as bad."

His hold on her tightened and he gritted his teeth as he desperately tried to keep his anger in control. Even if he should have known better, Kakashi had assumed it had occured only once; not repeatedly.

"I'm sorry." Sakura blurted out as she felt him tense. "I shouldn't tell you any of this."

"No, you should talk about it." He replied quickly, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat at the bitter encouragement. "It will make you feel better if you let it out."

"I'm just so angry at myself for letting it affect me so much." She whimpered brokenly, reminding him of just how badly the girl strove to be as strong as the rest of the team.

"Sakura, you can't be mad at yourself for such things." Kakashi whispered into her pink locks. "It's only normal to react like that. All you can do is go through it and be strong, like I know you are. You've got to stand up and fight it, even if you just want to cower."

Because if you didn't, the grief consumed you alive, hogged every of your thoughts and drained any life left in you. The Copy NIn knew it all too well. Almost three decades later, old nightmares still resurfaced to remind him of why his soul had been shattered in the first place.

"I'm scared out of my mind to lose anyone else." Kakashi admitted, unable to stop himself from shuddering. "It's a fear that drives me to put your and the team's safety before mine. But it's also why I failed you on that mission. I apologize for that."

"Thank you, Kakashi-sensei." Sakura breathed out as she relaxed his arms.

As long as she was okay, he would be.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto or any of its characters and make no money from this. Masashi Kishimoto does.

**...**

**Phase Three**

_To heal, you must fight._

**...**

Looking at Sakura through her window, Kakashi couldn't help but smile. She was on her bed, sleeping. The blanket that covered her even obscured half of her face, reminding him of his own hiding habit. Even if he felt somewhat guilty for visiting his teammate so late, he didn't stop himself from knocking on her window. The noise woke the kunoichi instantly. Only cracking one eye open, she directed her gaze to the source of the sound and narrowed her emerald orb as she saw who was making it.

Her former teacher crinkled his eye as he smiled, waving at her. As if showing up when the moon was high in the sky, at her window no less, was completely normal and to be expected.

Well, in his defense, she should be expecting him to do funny things like these. They made him who he was, after all.

Without waiting for her permission, he pushed the window open and slipped inside her bedroom. Her apartment was much larger than this. He'd been there a few times before. A tiny kitchen, a living room that also served as a dining area and her bedroom. Nothing spectacular, but it was more useful than his, since all there was was a bedroom.

"Yo." Kakashi greeted as he made his way for the door. For all he knew, Sakura always slept dressed, but then again, that had been on missions.

"Kakashi-sensei, what are you doing?" Sakura growled as she tore the comforter from her body and sat up, indeed clothed.

"I brought you a birthday present." He explained as exited the room.

"I wasn't faking to sleep to avoid you, if that's what you were thinking." The young woman grumbled as she followed, rubbing her tired eyes.

"I know." The Copy Nin nodded as he sat on her couch. "But I wanted to give you your gift in private."

"My birthday was three weeks ago anyway." The pinkette sighed as she entered the kitchen. "Tea?"

"Please." He answered. "And you weren't speaking to me three weeks ago."

"Fair enough." The sound of opening and closing cupboard filled the air for a few moments. "But you could have showed up earlier."

"Surpise?" Kakashi chuckled while he deposited her gift on the table.

"I felt you coming a mile away. I assumed that if I continued to sleep you would go away." Sakura muttered as she stood in the doorway between the living room and kitchen.

"You said you weren't faking sleep." He said, chuckling.

"I was sleeping until I felt your chakra heading here." She explained as the kettle whistled, returning to the room with the tea set.

"So what have you been up to lately?" The older man asked, looking down at the small pot. Green tea, his nose told him.

"Nothing much, pretty much just working and spending time with Ino. Why?" She replied as she sat down on her other couch, facing him.

"Just wondering." He shrugged. "Why?" Another smile crept up on his lips as he mimicked her question, knowing how easily she was annoyed by his copy-cat tendencies.

"You're not a small talk type of person." She answered, imitating his shrug.

"True." He threw back before motioning to the gift. "Aren't you gonna open it?"

"And find another crappy trinket like the two years ago?" Sakura mocked, cocking an eyebrow.

"I think I did better this year." Kakashi mumbled as he picked up the box and handed it to her, trying to ignore the little painful pang in his chest. He had really meant well by offering her that trinket.

"Let me see then." The small smile on her lips gave him a little hope, let him believe that she hadn't loathed his previous gift as much as she pretended to. "A hair stick?" She exclaimed as she picked up, inspecting it closely.

"You seem to like wearing them when attending festivals." The Copy Nin explained as he slouched in his seat.

"I do, but..." Sakura sighed as she replaced it in the box and closed it. "White and pink aren't good colors for my hair."

Kakashi stared at her for a second, baffled. "But your hair is pink, and white goes with everything. Doesn't it?"

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei." She giggled as she shook her head, then took a seat next to him. "But the pink of the stick will be lost in my hair, as for the white... Unless I'm wearing that color, it'll look bland."

Groaning, he reclined in his seat and let his head fall on the top of it. "I'm sorry, I'm lousy for choosing gifts."

When her arm wrapped around his, he lowered his head immediately to have a good view of her. Once more, her lips formed a cute smile, and her eyes closed as she leaned against him.

"It doesn't matter. Thank you." Sakura whispered against his shoulder before placing a soft kiss there. "Have you eaten anything today?"

"I'm a bit hungry, to be honest." Kakashi admitted, relaxing his stiff stance. In fact, breakfast had been the only meal he'd consumed today. Starving was more like it.

"I'll go heat you something up." She muttered as she stood up. "Like I know you, you probably haven't had anything at all today."

"False, miso soup and rice this morning." He chided, smiling. She knew him far too well.

"Here." Sakura let out as she returned with a generous portion of rice and barbecued pork.

"Do you cook extras just in case I show up?" Kakashi joked as he took the plate and chopsticks from her.

"Everyone shows up here when their fridge is empty." She mumbled, a small pout forming on her lips. "I don't know why, but I've gotten into the habit of always having leftovers ready for them."

While he ate, they remained silent. Peeking down at the girl who still leaned against him, a small smile appeared on his lips. To be close to her again was almost strange after so long of barely being able to catch a glimpse of her. He wished he could do better with gifts, but at least she still seemed happy; even if she would make fun of it later. When Naruto had offered her a necklace for her birthday three years ago, she had been overjoyed and had thrown herself at him as she thanked him. Maybe if he kept trying, he'd come to the same result some day?

"I brought dessert and a movie." Kakashi let out as his hand disappeared in his hip pouch before returning with both of the mentioned items.

"Don't you think it's a little late for a movie?" Sakura remarked, a pink eyebrow lifted. He simply shrugged. "Okay, just let me clean this first." She added before tugging at the plate he held.

"Don't mind it, I'll do it." He replied as he pushed himself off the couch.

As the water started running, Sakura appeared at his side and hauled herself up on the counter to watch him.

"Even after spending more than a decade with you, I still can't picture you doing mundane things like washing the dishes." She chuckled, eyes following the movements of his hands attentively.

"I'm only human, Sakura." Kakashi mused, showing off the smirk on his lips since he hadn't bothered to replace his mask.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

As the movie neared its end, Kakashi was fighting to keep his eyes open. He'd picked a romance movie since he assumed Sakura would enjoy it, but its dullness was really getting to him. These movies sounded all the same to him, causing him to wonder just what women found interesting in these sappy stories. On the bright side, his lovely Sakura had taken this as an opportunity to curl up against him, wrapped in his warm embrace.

Every now and then, he would stroke her arm or grasp her shoulder to pull her tighter against his body. His young companion responded by relaxing in his hold, sighing quietly. Playing with her hair was becoming a new hobby of his, he discovered. The knowledge that she trusted him and felt comfortable enough in his presence to let him touch her like this made his heart swell with pride and happiness. After receiving the cold shoulder for months, he had started believing that the new distance between them would last forever. What a relief it was to find out that their friendship could still be salvaged, maybe even transformed into something else.

When the credits rolled on the screen, Kakashi felt confident enough to try and show her what they could be together. He caught her chin between his fingers and tilted her head back gently, slowly, so he could lean forward and press his lips to hers in a quiet kiss. Even with his eyes closed, he could feel Sakura's wide eyes looking at him. Fortunately, it wasn't long before she gave in and added some pressure of her own in the contact between them.

As the kiss grew heavier, a certain part of the Copy Nin stirred, reminding him insistently of the last six months of celibacy. Carefully, he pulled his partner in his lap so she would be straddling his hips and caught her sweet lips with his again. They tasted like tea, the tea that she prepared for them a few hours ago. Now more relaxed, the kunoichi settled more comfortably on him, sitting most of her weight on his thighs. He was pretty certain she could feel his erection against her stomach, but her lack of reaction made him doubt it.

The debate was immediately closed when she ground her hips into his, pressing her crotch against his in the process. Unable to hold back, he moaned in their kiss, hands shooting down to grip her hips due to the sudden sensation. After she had buried her nose in the crook of his neck, she continued the movement, earning herself a groan from the man. He knew he lusted after the girl quite intensely, but this was something else. Going so long without sex most likely hightened his sensitivity to her touch.

By the time his mind ran rampant with all kinds of scenarios as to how this encounter could continue, Sakura's mouth slanted over his, resuming their previous exchange. The first detail he wondered about was where. They could keep going right here, on the couch, or head to her bedroom. Or even take it to the kitchen, on the counter. Kakashi moaned again and cradled her head in one hand to press his lips harder against her, becoming more demanding with every second. His free hand roamed her body, avoiding all her sensitive spots for the moment to tease her. There was just something about imagining the pinkette sitting on the counter while he had his way with her that turned him on more than he expected.

Having had more than enough of the careful teasing, Kakashi tore his lips from hers only to assault her neck with hot, open-mouthed kisses, suckling on the delicate skin inbetween them. He kept one hand to her head, keeping her close, while the other slid up from her hip to her chest so he could fondle her breast. It was firm against his palm, the perfect size for him to appreciate. Using two fingers, he tweaked her nipple gently, all too happy that she wore no bra under her thin sleeping shirt.

"Kakashi-sensei..." Sakura muttered as her small hands pushed against his chest.

"What is it?" The Copy Nin breathed out, noticing how his breathing came in short pants for the first time.

"Come with me." She whispered as she stood up. Her hand grasped his as she led him to her bedroom.

Before she could sit on the bed, Kakashi grabbed her arm and pulled her back closer to him, losing no time to remove the shirt that he considered far too annoying at the moment. Her shorts joined the other garment on the floor soon enough, her underwear still tangled in them. Resuming his ministrations on her neck, the older man ushered his companion to the bed, where he laid her down carefully before hovering above her. She was so damn beautiful. Did she even know it?

"You're beautiful, Sakura." Kakashi complimented as he lowered his head to trap her nipple between his lips.

The girl shifted under him, fingers gripping the blanket she lay on. As he gave the hardened bud a tentative lick, he looked up to watch his friend's reaction, only to be disappointed when she offered none. As much as he hated to admit it, she showed no sign of arousal. Her chest still raised and fell at a regular pace, her heart wasn't pounding... He had been so eager that he failed to notice whether or not she appreciated his touch.

Determined to make her moan his name at least once, even if it was selfish, he slid a hand down her stomach to her core. His thumb rubbed lazy circles on her clit, waiting for her to squirm or let him know that she liked this in any way. Instead, her arms hooked under his broad shoulders and she pulled him up for their lips to meet in another kiss. No matter what he did, her movements were mechanical and forced. His libido would surely make him pay triplefold for this later on, but he had to stop this.

"Go ahead, Kakashi-sensei..." Sakura whimpered as she undid his pants. "Please."

He froze for a second, holding back a groan in the back of his throat. A part of him begged him to pretend he hadn't realized what was going on and to comply to her demand. To let her free his throbbing erection and then sink into her. The idea was tempting, but he couldn't do it.

"Sakura." Kakashi let out as he sat on his heels above her. "Stop."

"Huh?" Sakura exclaimed, staring at him as if he had sprouted a new head. "What? Why?"

"You're tense, your kisses are forced, you're not aroused..." Her former teacher explained, sighing. "Why I would continue is what you should be asking."

"Because I asked you to. I want this." The kunoichi retorted, eyebrows bunching together.

"No. You're pushing yourself to do this." He replied as he shook his head. "Forcing sex won't make you feel better, Sakura. Quite the opposite, in fact."

"You want this." She growled, pushing herself up on her elbows. "And I'm okay with it. So why won't you do it?"

"This isn't what I want, Sakura." Kakashi correct as he stood, zipping up his pants. "I want you. It's not about sex, but the intimacy." He exhaled tiredly as he ran a hand through his wild hair. "I don't need to explain this. You're a very desirable girl but I can't take pleasure while you're hurting."

"I told you I want this!" Sakura replied, her voice raising too high for her former teacher's liking. "If you don't think I can make my own decisions then you can leave! You know where the door is."

"This isn't what I'm trying to say." He said as he leaned against the wall, staring at the floor. Looking at her, seeing the pain behind those wonderful emerald orbs was just unbearable. "I trust you. I can't accept this because you're obviously lying to yourself, Sakura."

"Fine then!" The kunoichi shouted as she jumped off the bed with the blanket wrapped around her. "Get out!"

"Sakura..." The Copy Nin pleaded, dropping his hands at his sides. "I want to be with you. We don't have to do this."

"No, it's not okay." She seethed as she grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the bedroom. "You're stopping something that we both wanted because of some stupid assumption that I can't be honest with myself!"

"You aren't!" Kakashi rasped back, unable to keep the anger from seeping into his tone. Why was she doing this? "Would you prefer I hurt you because you ask me to? I can't do this."

"Stop repeating the same thing and leave already!" Sakura shouted, tugging at his arm when he planted his feet firmly into the floor. Unfortunately for him, the girl didn't hesitate to use her chakra to boost her strength.

"All I want is for you to be okay, Sakura." He uttered as she pratically threw him through the front door. "I apologize if I'm going about it wrong. I know you'll get through this, because you're a strong and smart woman."

"Yet you don't trust my judgement." She snapped as she gripped the doorknob, glaring at him with eyes burning with all the pent-up frustration and anger she hid so well.

"I trust your judgement, Sakura." The Copy Nin scolded as he shook his head, burying his hands in his pocket so she wouldn't see them ball into fists. "But I can't believe your lies."

"Then go, leave me alone." The pinkette mumbled, staring at the floor to hide the tears that gathered at the corner of her eyes.

"I will." Kakashi answered as he turned to face the exit of the building. "Because I believe you can take care of yourself. If you think you don't need me, then I won't stay."

The door closed, ending their conversation abruptly. Kakashi slouched as he walked away, baffled by how such a sweet time had turned sour so easily. Had he tricked himself into thinking that Sakura could possibly return his feelings? Had he been a fool to want to prove he could help her? The answers to his questions eluded him, his mind a complete blank as he fought to figure this out.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto or any of its characters and make no money from this. Masashi Kishimoto does.

**...**

**Phase Four**

_To heal, you must bargain_

**...**

Finding a disheveled and tired-looking Sakura at his doorstep hadn't been what he expected when Kakashi woke up. Sure, his slumber had been disturbed by the sound of someone knocking on the door, but that didn't mean it could have been Sakura. Not after the previous night. From her current appearance, he was pretty certain she had gotten even less sleep than he had, if any at all. Ignoring the confusion that her visit raised, he stepped aside to let the girl enter his apartment.

The kunoichi walked by him without uttering a greeting, or any word for that matter, and headed straight for his bed to sit on it. Kakashi followed her and dropped on the mattress beside her, irritated by the goosebumps that rose on his exposed skin yet too lazy to retrieve a shirt. Leaning his arms on his knees and slouching as usual, the Copy Nin decided to remain silent. Whether it was out of exhaustion, frustration or patience, he couldn't tell. Maybe it was from all three. He was pretty certain his rest had been cut short after barely two hours and he simply didn't know how to deal with his teammate anymore. Patience was a quality often pinned to him, but that didn't mean it was bottomless.

"Why would you want to be with me?" Sakura asked, breaking the heavy silence.

"I have no answer to that," Kakashi replied honestly, leaning his cheek on his fist.

How did one fall in love and start wishing to live the rest of eternity with someone? All he knew was that he wanted her, desired a different kind of bond and relationship with her. Did that even mean he hoped she would be the mother of his kids? Did he even want kids to start with? Discouraged by every question that assaulted his mind, the male jonin slouched further under the massive weight his mind had just dropped on him.

"Why tell me you love me if you can't even say what makes you want to be with me?" His companion whispered, stubbornly staring at his desk and avoiding his gaze.

"I don't know why I love you, Sakura," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and index. "But it doesn't change what I feel. Do you really think it can be explained?"

"How could you fall in love so easily?" Sakura spat, vehemence seeping into her voice unexpectedly. "You've been single for well over a decade, you can't just start loving me like this!"

Kakashi could only blink in reply and stare at her. While it was true that he hadn't fallen in love for so long that he'd firmly believed his heart was barred from Cupid's list, he had come to accept that this was false. The only explanation to the warmth that enveloped him when he was with Sakura was that he was in love with her. Why else would he want to spend so much time with her, never want to see her cry, prize her safety and happiness even above Konoha's safety? Every time he forced himself to repeat the sentence, to say he loved her, the statement became easier to embrace. Escaping a fact never rendered it false. Admitting its existence could be painful, without a doubt, but as time passed and healed wounds, it became comforting. Instead of continously running and hiding, you could rest.

"It wasn't easy to fall in love with you," Kakashi answered truthfully, shattering the last of his barriers. He loved her. "It took a long time. Over the years, you just brought down every barrier I keep around people. That allowed me to relax around you, to build something deeper with you."

"That just doesn't make sense!" she exclaimed as she sprang to her feet and put her hands on her hips. Before he could question her logic, she continued, "It's just lust. That's what it is."

"What?" he gasped. "That's ridiculous," he growled as he stood up and forced her to face him. "Who do you think I am? I can tell the difference between lust and love." His voice raised against his own will, the beignnings of anger brewing in the pit of his stomach. How could she pin him as that kind of man? "We had sex. Even if I would be such a fool, don't you think that would have satisfied me?"

Sakura looked away from him, refusing to meet his gaze and chewing on her lip instead. Certainly, she was fighting an internal battle that she was losing, that he prevented her from winning. The embers that were lit barely a moment back died down and Kakashi's shoulders dropped. Why she couldn't simply accept his affection was beyond him. Did she believe she was not worthy of being loved?

"Sakura..." he called softly, placing a hand that should have been comforting on her shoulder, only to have her shrug it off and wince. "You don't have to return my feelings. I can understand, but please stop this nonsense."

"What nonsense?" she asked, frowning and taking a defensive step back.

"Why can't you accept that I love you?"

"How could I not?" she screeched, throwing her hands in the air. "What does someone like you find in me if it's not for sex? I'm fourteen years younger, you were my sensei, you... you..."

"I what, Sakura?" he answered, crossing his arms on his chest. "What do I need to do to prove to you that it's real?"

"I need to know why," she whispered before plopping down on his bed as her hands flew up to cover her face, which did little to cover the scent of the tears that surely spilled from her eyes.

"You're a wonderful woman, Sakura," Kakashi explained. "I'm comfortable with you."

"C-comfortable?!" she shrieked as she pulled herself in a sitting position, glaring at him. "That's it? That's your definition of love?"

He flinched at her response, regretting his choice of words.

"You misunderstand," he insisted, shaking his head. "There is no one else that I wish to open up to. You're special to me, in more ways than one, no matter how hard that is to believe. I couldn't understand either for a long time. But I do now, and I need to try."

"Need to try what?" she inquired, once more avoiding the heart of the subject.

"I could have stayed silent about all of this," Kakashi started, unable to look at her as he spoke. "I probably would have, if this mission hadn't been..." What had this mission been? Hard, heartbreaking, sickening, disgusting, enranging... Was there a word for the anxiety and despair he felt? "I lost control over myself, and I told you something that I felt without even realizing it was ever there. I fought it, I ignored it, but now it's said, it's out there. I would probably regret it for the rest of my days if I acted as if it had never happened." The words escaped his lips, any filter he might have had torn before he could save it. "I have to try to be with you. Or at least, I have to make you happy."

New tears welled up in Sakura's pretty eyes and he could see her lips quivering as she tried to keep it together. He ached for her, he desperately wished he could go back in time and force her off the mission and request a different teammate. In the end, he was aware that someone else would have suffered the same fate, possibly dying in the process and failing the mission. It was selfish; just like offering Konoha's secrets for her safety.

"How could you?" she rasped, voice strained and uneven. "You saw what he did to me. You know all that I've done to succeed on this mission." She looked up at him, her bright eyes pleading him to do something. "Why would you love me after this?"

"What are you talking about?" the Copy Nin whispered, genuiely confused. "Your behavior was exemplary."

"I gave myself to two men," she sobbed as she grasped the sides of her head. "An innocent kid died because of it. And the other... The other, he-" Sakura's sentence was cut short as she broke into a series of sobs and cries, tears running down her cheeks as she without a doubt relived the events.

Kakashi was rooted to the spot. A new sense of dread and despair formed in his abdomen while his instinct screamed at him to run, to forget all this even if he yearned to hold and comfort her. He was torn between the good intention of wanting to console her and the all too tempting voice that whispered he only hurt her, that if he left her alone she would heal.

What was he? Was he meant to be her lover, the one who would help her stand on her own two feet through this, or was he only the selfish man that desired a woman he could only cause pain to?

"Is that what being a kunoichi is?" she asked, pratically gasping for breath between her sobs. "How can I be okay? How could a man want me when he knows what I have to do?"

She was looking up at him, eyes full of expectation, as if he possessed the perfect answer when in truth he had no idea what to reply. Kunoichi avoided breaching this subject and with men in particular. This aspect of their career was kept a secret. They rarely whispered a word about it, preferring to act as if it didn't exist. Now that he witnessed the mess it had made of his usually lively Sakura, he understood why.

He hardly knew how to deal with this himself. A woman would not be spared from this just becase she was in a relationship. In the end, it was up to her if the situation came up in a mission. Yet, if word got out that an opportunity to help Konoha had been lost because the kunoichi had valued her body more than her own village, she would be ridiculed. Either way, she was trapped.

"After this, how can you still want me?" she whispered quietly. "How can you still want me when you saw him putting his filthy hands on me? Can you just forget that image?"

He couldn't. He could never. Even if Koroku was dead now, Kakashi's hands still twitched with the desire to tear the man apart himself and make him regret ever hurting his teammate.

"I'm disgusting," Sakura rasped as she wrapped her arms around her small body, allowing fresh tears to flow and new sobs to shake her frame.

Kakashi's jaw dropped as he finally understood what was making Sakura suffer so much, why she couldn't believe that a man would love her.

"Sakura," he murmured as he stepped closer to her. "You're not disgusting. You were raped." The word left a rancid taste on his tongue, but it had to be said. "I can't forget, because I will never forgive him. When I look at you though... Sakura, this changes nothing. You're the same woman, I can't discard you because of this."

"How can this change nothing?" she asked, narrowing her eyes. "It's like I'm dirty now. No matter how much I bathe, it's still there! It won't go away!"

"You just need to heal, Sakura," Kakashi tried to console, unable to comprehend what she was saying. No man could understand what it was like. "No sane man will refuse you because of this."

"It ruins everything! Everything!" she cried out, slamming her palms down on the mattress. "I worked so hard to become strong! Just to measure up to you guys, but now... I can't let them know. But I know that you and Tsunade know what happened. You'll pity me for the rest of my life," she ground out. "It's not fair that he could ruin all of it just like that!"

"Sakura, you've got it all wrong," Kakashi replied as he knelt down to be at her eye level. "If anything, I'm amazed by you. You were incredible on that mission. While I lost sight of the objective, you remained focused. You're the only reason this mission wasn't a miserable failure. I'm impressed by you. You kept yourself together and you did what was necessary for the good of the village."

The compliment was true, even if it pained him to admit. He was riddled with guilt over allowing her to do what she had to do in order to make it successful, but he knew it was only right. They were shinobi, he was supposed to put the mission before everything else. He couldn't put it before her life, but losing sight of their goal only because she was suffering...

"That's not true," she argued meekly. "I didn't keep it together. I cried, I panicked, I..."

"Stop it," Kakashi ordered as he gripped her shoulders. "Your promotion to jonin is fully deserved and I won't let you think otherwise. You're a formidable kunoichi, in every aspect."

"But-"

"No buts," he interrupted. "It's only normal to for you not to be okay after such traumatizing events. On the mission, you were perfect. Let yourself hurt and heal now, you're home. It's okay."

"Are you really still proud of me after seeing me break down like this?" she asked bitterly as she wiped her cheeks with the back of her hands.

"Yes," he answered firmly, giving her his trademark smile.

"Kakashi-sensei..." she sniffed, placing a hand on his arm.

"I love you, Sakura," he whispered as he let his arms slide down to her hips, eye locking with hers.

The sweet words sent the girl in another silent spell and she dropped his gaze. The hand on his arm tightened its hold slightly and she bit her lip absent-mindedly, making him wonder just what she was thinking about.

"It's okay if you don't want to answer right now," Kakashi reassured. "You can take your time to think about it, I'll be there when you're ready to talk about it." After a moment of thought, he added, "If you decide that you don't return my feelings, then I'll do my best to make things go back to normal. It'll be like before. As long as you're in my life, I'll be fine with your decision. Okay, Sakura?"

"Okay," she replied, nodding her head.

After a moment, she pushed herself off the bed and into his embrace, whispering a thank you in the process. For the few seconds it lasted, Kakashi revelled in her warmth, tangling his fingers in her hair and pressing his cheek to it while he held her tightly. He was prepared to be turned down, even if it wouldn't make it less painful. He would be able to be her friend if that was what she desired.

"I should probably go now," Sakura said as she pulled away from him to stand up. "I'm sorry to have woken you up."

"No problem, Sakura," he replied and offered her another warm smile. "I'm glad you came."

Just as she stepped in the hallway, his hand shot out to grab her wrist, directed by his sudden sadness of watching her go. He could stall her for a few more seconds, couldn't he?

"There's just one thing that you have to do for me, Sakura," he let out as he pulled her into his arms again. "Never doubt how I feel for you."

"Okay," she answered and nodded again. She sounded confident, which lifted Kakashi's spirits greatly. Maybe he had been able to cheer her up a little, after all.

After giving his chest a slight nudge with her cheek, she broke away from him and turned to leave, sparing him a glance as she hesitated to take the first step. Kakashi's lips curled in a small smile as he raised his hand in a good bye motion.

 **A/N: Please read!** Whew, done with this chapter! The beginning was such a pain to write. I was kinda stuck with this story, as you can see from the lack of updates.

Also, I have a little thing to say. From now, I will be posting my chapters a few days earlier on my blog. Why? Because I want you guys to visit it, and especially, subscribe to it! Haha. You get the chapters faster than on FF, and I get more traffic. Everyone should be happy. So go subscribe to it now. :P

Thanks to everyone who is reading this story, I'm glad that some people are enjoying it. :3

**www . lolalotsbook . blogspot . ca**

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto or any of its characters and make no money from this. Masashi Kishimito does.

**...**

**Phase Five**

_To heal, you must accept._

**...**

Walking towards Sakura's apartment, Kakashi wondered what would be waiting for him. His teeth repeatedly trapped and released his tongue, mimicking the back and forth his thoughts made. Guessing how Sakura would react to his presence at his point could only be a stroke of luck. To avoid an unpleasant surprise when he reached her home, Kakashi made sure to make his chakra obvious. If she wanted to see him, then she would certainly come out to greet him.

If he was glad for anything when he reached his destination, it was that her building's front yard was adorned by a beautiful and tall tree. The perfect spot to hide in and read his prized books until he had company, or until he realized he would have none.

As his eyes roamed the pages of his book, the jonin reflected on the previous night. In no way had he expected Sakura to come back to him so quickly after the argument they'd had, and he considered it a blessing in disguise. She seemed to have come to a certain conclusion about her state after talking to him. If he had done anything to help her progress, then he could have some relief. Maybe her healing wasn't that far away anymore at this point.

To top it off, she hadn't shot him down when he told her yet again that he loved her. No answer was better than a negative one, he convinced himself. Hope could still be had that she would return to him with the reply that he wished for. Either that, or he was being a delusional old man that needed to be locked up. Either seemed just fine at this point, Kakashi mused.

What he knew for sure was that he couldn't allow her to distance herself from him again. After six months of separation, he knew he couldn't let it happen again. He needed her in his life, no matter what their relationship would be like. Missing another person that much simply couldn't be healthy. Still, he clung to the belief that he could be useful to her. With some time, he still thought that he could set her on the right path when it came to healing from her trauma.

Kakashi was all too familiar with trauma after all.

Barely a minute later, Sakura appeared in his sight. She didn't acknowledge his presence just yet, preferring to observe random objects. Why she stalled when she'd obviously come out for him baffled him slightly, but he waited patiently until her gaze was directed at him and she waved her hand in greeting.

Kakashi jumped down from the tree to go meet her, returning her greeting lazily.

"Tea?" she asked, as soon as he was within earshot.

He nodded, following her inside the building and to her apartment silently.

"I've been thinking about what you told me yesterday," Sakura mumbled as she boiled water for the tea, staring at the kettle intently.

Kakashi was slightly surprised that she broached the subject, especially so quickly, but he decided that letting her speak would be best.

"I'm still uncertain about most of it, but it made me feel better nonetheless," she started, brushing her thumb absent-mindedly against her chin as she weighed her words. "I'm happy that you don't see me as anything less than before that mission... Because I know that deep down, I'm still the same person."

"I'm scared of stuff I wasn't scared of before, I'm hurting and I'm doubting many things... But in the end, I'm still Sakura, right?" she sighed, glancing up at him as if seeking his approval.

Kakashi immediately nodded and replied, "Yes, of course you are. Nothing will ever take that away from you."

A timid smile graced her lips and Kakashi felt a weight lifted from his shoulders. Sakura definitely seemed on the right path now.

"It's a big relief. I feel like I have fewer doubts because of all of this now," Sakura said as she poured the water in the tea pot.

"I'm glad then. You'll be like new before you know it," Kakashi teased lightly.

Sakura chuckled and shrugged her shoulders, returning her attention to the beverage she was preparing.

"I've been through similar experiences many times, Sakura," Kakashi started as he leaned on the counter, wondering if he should really share this part of his past with her. "It will never go away entirely, I would be lying if I told you that."

"It gets better, every day helps, if even a tiny bit," he continued, begrudgingly recalling moments that were best forgotten. "You'll always remember what happened and wish you could change things, but nothing could ever allow you to do that. You just learn to live with it, and then you'll just keep going as you did before."

Sakura seemed to lose herself in her thoughts again as she served the tea in two bright-colored cups. Noticing this, Kakashi decided to take this opportunity to ask a question of his own.

"How do you feel about me?" he asked as he took the cup he assumed to be his. "You've left me quite confused lately. You engaged sexual activity with me twice, but haven't said a word when I confessed. You've accepted my comfort when I offered it, but still remained distant..."

"I understand if you don't want to talk about it just yet," he added. "I'd just like to know as soon as possible so that I know how to act around you from now on."

Because being the creepy, perverted old man who follows her everywhere and can't take his hands off of her because she couldn't tell him not outright was not what he wanted to be.

"Do you really love me, without a doubt?" Sakura asked as she turned to face him, eyes wide with hesitance.

"Yes," he answered immediately.

Kakashi stepped closer to her, tangling the fingers of one of his hands in her hair as he gazed into her eyes, searching for any insecurity. Feeling no resistance from her part, he lowered his mask and placed a chaste kiss on her lips, smiling unconsciously as he felt their softness against his.

Soon enough, she responded, adding pressure of her own with no detectable fear or reluctance. Happy and relieved, Kakashi deepened the kiss, wrapping his arms tightly around her as if she would disappear if he let go. Feeling her body against his again was wonderful, to say the least. There was something about holding the person that you loved so dearly that warmed you to your very core, especially after a long separation. Much to his surprise, Sakura's hands slipped under his shirt, sliding up to feel his the skin of his chest slowly. He sighed against his own will against her mouth, slowing down his movements as he enjoyed the feel of her hands.

Before their exchange could become more heated, Sakura pulled away from him, whispering, "Okay."

"Huh?" he let out, his mind a bit too foggy to understand her entirely.

"I can try being with you," she explained quietly. "I know that my feelings for you haven't just been out of friendship for a while, even if at first it was probably just out of lust."

Kakashi was stunned for a second, only blinking in response until he found his tongue again.

"Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with me?", he asked incredulously.

Sakura gave a quick nod, before speaking again. "I can't guarantee that things will work out perfectly, but I'm willing to try."

"I understand, no one could offer such a warranty anyway," he reassured before pulling her in his embrace again.

Purely out of joy, he kissed her again, keeping his lips pressed to hers for a while as he simply enjoyed her presence and the moment. Maybe the gods were on his side for once, maybe happiness could truly be in his reach within his lifetime.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** So sorry about making you guys wait so long! My life has been a little hectic in the past few months. I started collecting video games, my work hours have doubled and a bunch of other stuff that you probably don't care about. I was talking with Amrun the other day and read some of her amazing writing again, which reminded me of my own poor stories.

I can't believe I've neglected for so long! It feels as if it's only been a couple weeks since I updated to me, but it's clearly been longer. I'm really gonna try and write more... I'm missing Porcelain so bad. I really gotta get to it.

Thanks to everyone who's been sticking with me all this time! I really appreciate it and seeing that some of you still review even a year later is just amazing.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto or any of its characters and make no money from this. Masashi Kishimoto does.

**...**

**Phase Six**

_To heal, you must attempt_

**...**

A whole month had passed already. Nobody knew about their relationship just yet, as it still stood on such fragile grounds. Kakashi was entirely fine with this, as his sweetheart wasn't just anyone. She had been his student and was still his most frequent partner on missions. Her circle of friends were former of his, or their superior and a surrogate mother. Who knew how they would react when the news came out. If they ever got to that point, that is.

Keeping his attentions on thought so irrelevant was becoming increasingly diffcult as Sakura's breath grew heavier against his neck. A few of her garments already lay around the bed, leaving her in her bra and shorts. Kakashi hummed gently as his lips travelled from her ear down to her collarbone, moving south soon enough to wrap around one of her erect nipples.

A timid moan left her throat, intensifying his itch to get rid of that annoying undergarment that was in his way. A quick glimpse of Sakura's face reassured Kakashi that her writhing and moaning weren't anything but impatience and pleasure. They had taken part in such activies a handful of times already, but they could never get very far before Sakura's fear arose again.

With renewed confidence and frail hope, the bar was removed switfly. As much as he hated to admit it, being forced to stop mid-way every time was taking its toll. She turned him on with the slightest of touches or peeks of her smooth breasts; after being taunted with his prize for a while, it was only natural that he would yearn even more for it.

Impatience growing, his fingers worked quickly to undo the button of her shorts and push them down her hips along with her panties. His sensitive nose had since long picked up the scent of her arousal, but it was becoming overwhelming now. Sakura wanted him. How badly he wanted to fulfill that need.

One of his hands snaked between her thighs, his thumb stroking her center tentatively. No alarm bells went off, if not quite the opposite. A hitched breath and skin met with hot, moist flesh. She seemed more than ready to welcome him. Biting his lip in anticipation, he carefully tried to slip his finger into her, holding his breath as he imagined the heat and tightness he would be met with.

Much to his disappointment, he felt his companion tense up, denying him entrance immediately. His held breath escaped in a long, silent sigh as his hand retreated, keeping his pain to himself. While he knew Sakura never refused him on purpose, it was hard to understand why she couldn't make the difference between him and the savage who had abused her.

"Do you want to stop?" he offered.

"No, keep going," she murmured.

Keeping his expectations low, he sat up on his knees between her legs. The distance allowed her to see his face clearly and all times. Maybe the reminder that it was her lover stroking her would help reassure Sakura, he thought.

Hesitantly, he pushed his finger against her entrance once more. While it did manage to slide inside, he could feel her body's resistance and that all the friction was causing her discomfort. In selfish hope, he continued the back and forth movement carefully, trying to convince himself that if he didn't stop, she might start enjoying it.

Sakura's breath was back to normal, if not even slower. Her body was entirely tense and her eyes closed too tight. His thumb joined the dance, rolling soft circles on her clit to try and ellicit a better reaction from her, but to no avail.

"It's okay if you're not ready. We can take our time and just do something else," Kakashi proposed when he spotted a hint of blood on his digit.

He could feel every nerve of his body yelling at him to finally claim her as his. Being so tempted to comply to this demand made him uneasy. Could he really be that animilastic and consider only his own pleasure, abstaining from thinking of his love's well being?

"I really want to do this," Sakura whispered, voice quivering with unspoken shame, "but I guess we'd better wait and try something else for the time being."

Without another word, Kakashi lied down beside her, wrapping and arm around her to pull her closer. His hands still explored her body, though now more careful and avoiding her core. He tried to find satisfaction in being able to caress the rest of her body, at the very least, always discovering one particular spot that he enjoyed particularly.

After a while, he could feel that Sakura had relaxed against him, back to a normal state of mind. An idea struck him, and he decided to put his new plan into motion, though his expectations were lower than ever. Any try was worth it at this point.

Kakashi scooted away, raising his hands to the headboard and grasping one of its wooden poles. Many times he had been told that rape was so traumatic to women because of the loss of control involved.

If that was true, then he would let his little spitfire have all the control she wanted.

"Maybe you should try taking the lead," he let out carefully. "I won't move or touch you until you tell me to."

Sakura's face reddened considerably, but she climbed on top of him regardless of her embarrassment.

Her touches were uncertain and too cold, but they made him react nonetheless. Never before had Kakashi let a woman have control in bed. Call it paranoïa, but the last thing he wanted was to be killed by a stranger while he was on the verge of climax.

Before long, her movementes evened out and she was exploring his body the same way he had hers. Soft lips joined the party soon enough, making him bite his tongue to prevent himself from encouraging her to do what he wanted, instead of what she did.

When her fingers wrapped around his shaft, his breath hips and he couldn't help but raise his hips an inch or two off the mattress. Taking the hint, Sakura started stroking him gently, testing the waters and searching for the rythm that he would enjoy most, varying the pressure now and then.

Kakashi's breath didn't take long to be heavy and uneven, and he couldn't be more glad for his little plan. It was turning out much better than he had anticipated.

Soon enough, her lips wrapped around him and he groaned louder than he meant to, enjoying the heat and wetness of her mouth a little too much for his liking. He wasn't going to last very long if this little was so pleasurable.

Kakashi watched her head bob up and down, feeling a strange sort of thrill every time he saw his shaft disappear between her lips. Any man loved the hunt, but the prize was sometimes much more rewarding.

"I'm gonna cum," he rasped, his grip tightening on the headboard as he struggled not to tangle his fingers in her hair.

Much to his surprise, she didn't move away as he spilled his seed, instead swallowing it. He moaned as his hips jerked a few times, the force of his orgasm leaving him a little dizzy. The wait had surely made him overly sensitive.

They remained in bed for a while after, simply cuddling and kissing lazily. Sakura's arousal seemed to have spiked again and that, coupled with the gentle groping of her body, was enough for Kakashi's body to start reacting again.

Once more driven by his desire, he lowered a hand to the apex of her thighs, pleased to find her wet once more.

"Go ahead," Sakura encouraged him as she turned to lay on her back, legs open and inviting him.

Without any hesitation, he positioned himself between her thighs and pushed the head of his manhood against her entrance. Slowly, he slid inside, though he could still feel resistance and had to use too much force to his liking.

"Keep going, it doesn't hurt," Sakura reassured when she noticed his slowing pace.

With a slightly stronger thrust, he was nestled in her, making in grunt in pleasure as he took a moment to adjust to her warmth surrounding him.

After a few more thrusts, he could feel that she had relaxed and offered little to no resistance anymore. Kakashi could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest, too thrilled to finally being able to share this intimacy with Sakura. The same way his pleasure mounted, so did his pace, his mind too far gone to keep a leash on his body anymore.

The tightening of Sakura's thighs around his hips brought him down from his high for a second, allowing him to realize that she'd tensed up once more and was on the verge of tears. He froze on the spot, feeling terrible guilt surfacing for letting his control slip so easily.

"Sorry," Sakura mumbled as he lied down next to her, pulling her into his arms.

"It's okay," he reassured, immediately cooled down as if he'd taken an icy shower. "I've told you already. You're not there just for sex... I want all of you, just the intimacy between us."

She seemed to calm down against him, though eerily silent.

"Do you want to go back to your place to sleep?" he asked, a little uncertain.

"No," she replied quickly, shaking her head. "Even if I'm still afraid, I feel better with you around. I like being here."

"That's all good then," he answered as he pulled the blanket over them.

If she could at least trust him, then all would be fine.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** I am not dead! So sorry for keeping all of you waiting for so long. Same thing as usual... life takes over and I have too little time to write. I know it's a poor excuse, but I promise I have not given up on this story or Porcelain either! When I'll be done with this one, I'll be moving right to updating Porcelain. I'm sorry.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto or any of its characters and make no money from this. Masashi Kishimoto does.

**...**

**Phase Seven**

_To heal, you must hurt again_

**...**

Sliding his hand up against soft skin, tracing its curves carefully and precisely, he diligently memorized every inch of it. The dip after the hip, the slight bump of a scar near the belly button, the gentle swell of a supple breast... A signature of her own which no one coud replicate, no matter how perfect the henge. Every tiny hair raised on her flushed skin confirmed it. Such fine detail, while usually overlooked, was reassuring, transformed the image of an appealing body into a real, live one. The warmth her thigh radiating against the outside of his both kept him grounded and made him forget about the entire world.

That warmth, it meant this was all true. Not a dream, not a fantasy. The body under his was there, _he_ was there.

Small puffs of breath broke his little reverie, reminding him of the task at hand. With renewed focus, the fingers of the hand not exploring her body continued rubbing small circles against this little nub, making her stomach ripple again.

Moments like this always seemed to be surrounded by a silent, yet vibrating buzz that dominated the room. Every now and then, feminine moans, the quiet rustle of rubbing skin or the wet sounds of sex stole the spotlight, but somehow the silence was all that really reached him.

The small routine went on. It was one of those routines that no matter how many times you played out would still make your heart pump harder, your breath deepen and throw your brain out the window. The sort of routine you look forward to, that seem both robotic yet make you feel alive.

Like a kiss.

Her taste was familiar by this point, but it was no less pleasant. Their movements followed each other perfectly in time, rehearsed plenty of times already. Still, the brush of her tongue against his, coupled with a long moan, made his breath hitch and sent shivers down his spine. Her body arched into his, her arms wrapped around his chest to keep him pinned against her.

It seemed it was always at this point that things became blurry, when kicking off his boxers and rubbing his naked erection against her hot sex was the only course of action to take. His breathing had become irregular, haste rendering him unable to remember how to breathe and move at the same time.

Just as the tip of his manhood pushed against her entrance, his hands picked up on the tension that suddenly accumulated in her hip and back.

Routines were meant to be broken, didn't they say? Or was that rules? Either way, he pleaded to any possible god for this breaking of the routine to not be so routinely itself anymore.

"Should I stop?" he heard himself ask, utterly lacking the conviction he wished he could show for his woman.

"No, it's okay," Sakura replied, unmoving.

"Do you want to try like that other time?" Kakashi offered, watching that mole under her right breast as if it held some sort of mystery.

"No, keep going," her voice added, colder than before.

The mole sustained his interest a while longer and he didn't move.

"I really want to do this like this," Sakura breathed out, forcing him back into motion.

Kakashi thrusted into her farther, ever so careful, and the shivers came back. She was hot around him, made it hard to no let loose and enjoy the pleasure she could offer him so easily had certain events not happened.

The arm around her back tighetened its hold, keeping Sakura close to his body while his other hand gripped her hip to help control his movements. The last thing he wanted was to forget why she couldn't let go and to hurt her. Still, with every thrust, he could feel his control slipping bit by bit. His fingers served as gauges for her stress level, which seemed to stay stable for the time being.

Just when Kakashi could tell he was on the verge of climax, the skin under his fingers tighetened and alerted him to Sakura's distress. A quick glance at her face showed him tears were already welling up in her eyes.

Needing no more warning, he stopped moving entirely. While his exterior maintained an image of perfect patience, on the inside he wanted to scream out in frustration. What had he done to her for her to distrust him so?

"Don't stop," she pleaded, small cracks breaking her voice.

"How do you want me to do this while you're crying?" Kakashi ground out, keeping any negative feelings in check in order not to hurt her.

"I want to do this," she repeated, "I'll feel okay after. Like ripping off a bandage. It'll be easier after."

Her reasoning made no sense to him, yet he resigned to obey her. Mechanically, he resumed his thrusting. He could still see the tears in her eyes. Gritting his teeth, he buried his face in the crook of her neck and focused on the only part of his body that was able to enjoy any part of this.

Thankfully, it wasn't long before he came.

Laying down with her, holding her against him, Kakashi didn't know what to say or do. Disgust and guilt erased every pleasurable feeling from their encounter, even if it had started so well. He should have stopped, should have listened to his instincts and not the irrational thoughts of a broken girl he couldn't help.

"Sakura?" he called, cupping her cheek and lifting her chin to see her face, which she had kept hidden against his shoulder.

Her eyes were shut tightly, tears falling slowly at the corners while sobs slipped out of her throat against her will.

"Sakura, are you okay?" he blurted out.

She refused to give him any answer, instead hiding her face in her palms while stronger sobs racked her body.

"Sakura, please calm down, it's okay," he pleaded, desperately gripping her shoulders.

Yet, nothing he said a made a dent in her panic.

"It's not okay, I thought I could do this," she whispered, running her fingers through her hair, eyes fixated on an invisible object.

"What are you saying? Just calm down!" Kakashi replied, forcing her to sit up with him.

"I thought I was strong, I thought I could..." she continued, looking right through him. "I thought I could..."

"Sakura! Snap out of it!" he growled, squeezing her shoulders tighter, but his lover was too far gone.

"I just wanted to do the right thing," she cried out. "I wanted to be okay, I wanted to be with you!"

"What are you talking about?" Kakashi said, feeling her panic spread to him."It's okay, I'm here. Just look at me!"

"I can't ever be fine," Sakura whispered, barely audible. "It was too much to ask for."

Before he could say a word, she was standing up and gathering her clothes.

Kakashi's heart beat wildly in his chest, as if able to predict some kind of disaster would happen if he didn't do something immediately. He jumped to his feet and grabbed her arm, but Sakura snatched it back right away.

"Don't touch me!" she screamed.

"I'm sorry," Kakashi let out, eyes wide.

Sakura stepped into her panties, so fast she practically tripped on her own feet.

"Wait, what are you doing?" he asked, unsure of how he could hold her back now.

"I have to go," she replied, finally looking at him, but avoiding his eyes. " I can't stay. I can never be any good to you."

"What? You're not making any sense!" Kakashi growled out. "Come back to bed, we'll talk about it in the morning."

"No, I don't need anymore time," she answered, shaking her head. "I've wasted too much of yours already.I can't even have sex with my own boyfriend."

"That doesn't matter, Sakura, We'll work it out together."

"No! Don't you understand? It'll always be like this. I'll never be able to give you that," she cried out, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"I don't give a fuck if you never want to touch me again!" Kakashi roared, the prospect of losing her making him lose his cool. "I don't need that. I want _you_!"

"Don't be stupid," she ground out, swallowing a lump in her throat. "No relationship can work without sex. You'll go looking for it elsewhere. That's all."

"I don't need it. I really don't," he tried to convince her, knowing entirely how weak his words sounded, even if he truly meant them. "Not if I have you by my side."

By the time he had finished talking, she was entirely dressed and heading for the door. With every step she took, he could feel his heart being crushed as if it was the floor her feet pounded on.

"I can't do this, Kakashi," she whispered apologetically. "I can't be with you."

"Just come back to bed. We'll talk about it in the morning," he pleaded.

Without even sparing him another glance, Sakura was stepping out of his apartment, murmuring, "I'm sorry."

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto or any of its characters and make no money from this. Masashi Kishimoto does.

**...**

**Phase Eight**

_To heal, you must surrender_

**...**

The next few weeks were a blur for Kakashi. Green dominated the mix of colors, the green from his blanket, but there was also some amber, most likely from the alcohol he had consumed. At the very least, he could say that heartbreak didn't affect his need for intoxication. The profession just did that to them, it seemed. Most of all, though, a black spotted with bright white lights was what shaded the blur. From nights of sitting at his bed and staring out the window into the starry sky, no doubt.

Strangely enough, grieving the absence of Sakura barely shook his routine. The blur was already familiar to him. It was the blur of memories of times between missions, of waiting to be thrown back into the field to kill or be killed, to feel alive again because it was all that rung true after two decades of being a ninja. Sakura's presence, on the opposite, had slowed down the passing of time, dyed the colors pink and emerald. Added sweet images of cheerful smiles and coy grins.

Why was it that the tiniest disruption of your routine was what completed broke it down?

The worst of being so melancholic at his age was that he knew what would happen. No matter how heavy he felt, how unappealing life appeared, he would go on living until some enemy's jutsu finally finished it off. Bravery came naturally when you had to deal with incoming death. Cowardice was what kept him alive, kept the vast _majority_ of people alive. If not from fear of the pain that might come, then from fear of that darkness and quiet they so seeked. The human heart desires freedom first and foremost no matter how feverishly it desires to be trapped. The _option_ to go back on one's decision was necessary.

His macabre train of thoughts was broken by a soft knock on the door. So shy, it sounded like the person on the other side of the door wished it would not be heard.

Kakashi's heart skipped a beat. He had been so distracted he had not felt her approach at all.

Immediately, he lunged for the door and swung it open , eyes fixated on his visitor in disbelief.

"Sakura," he whispered, hand clenched around the door knob.

The warmth of her chest against his, the warmth of being close... it all seemed for far away now.

Sakura remained silent for a few seconds, before she lowered her head, hiding her eyes from his view.

"I'm sorry."

These words broken down the his resolve. His arms wrapped around her and pulled her in a tight embrace without further hesitation.

At first, he had tried to talk to her, but she avoided him with surprising ease.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled again, hands timidly landing on his back before clutching the fabric of his shirt desperately.

"It's okay," Kakashi answered without thinking, face buried in her hair, reveling in the fruity scent that had become her signature over the years and in the slight buzz that surrounded him.

"I was so selfish," she whimpered into his chest. "I was cruel to you."

"You're back," Kakashi said, strangely serene. "It doesn't matter."

He could feel the first of her tears soak through his thin undershirt.

"I want to be with you, I really do," she admitted brokenly. "I have for a while, but I couldn't admit it. At first, it was because of our former ranks, our age gap... I acted on it every now and then and I know we both did. It was a crush, lust, but then I realized it was something more."

Sakura took a long pause after this, fidgeting with his shirt with hands that had migrated to his chest.

"Then we had to go on that mission," she continued, face still covered. "I just couldn't face you anymore."

"Sakura," Kakashi weakly protested, at a loss for words to precisely define how this associated no shame to her name for him.

"I'm tired of hurting," she added before he could continue. "I want to get better, I'll do anything to go back to myself. I can't let this take over my whole life any longer."

"We'll make it okay then," he breathed against her forehead, placing a discreet kiss on it.

Sakura remained unnaturally still, but didn't protest. Kakashi took this as a good sign and led her to his bed so they could sit down together.

After a long and uncomfortable silence, Kakashi suggested, "maybe you should talk to someone about what happened."

"I can't, you're the only one who knows," she argued immediately, shaking her head.

Kakashi hesitated. What else could he tell her?

"Then maybe you should talk to me," he asked, ignoring the bitterness on his tongue.

"I can't do that to you, Kakashi," she cried out, eyes wide and full of mercy he didn't have the heart to accept.

"Then to who?"

"I... I can't. It's not right towards you. Nothing good would come out of it," Sakura spoke softly, biting her lip and looking away.

"It's okay," he sighed, resgined to take the first step, desperate to tie her to him so she wouldn't be tempted to leave again.

Truth be told, it was something he wished he could do with someone else too, but was also too reserved to share.

"Watching you back there, getting hurt, getting..." Kakashi swallowed a lump in his throat, heart hammering in his chest as disgusting images viciously assaulted his mind. "Violated, hurt, forced to endure everything you did. It broke me down. Like few things ever did. Watching a loved one hurt is so more much painful than hurting yourself. I couldn't do anything for you, and that's why I did what I did in the end. It was the only thing I could do to put you out of your misery. I did it knowing what it meant, and I can't bring myself to regret it. I regret not doing it sooner only."

Because when you watch all of this happen, the outside world ceases to exist. All that's left in the world anymore are the agonizing screams of your teammates, their pleading for mercy and...

Kakashi shook his head, refusing to get too carried away.

"You were the most important then. I'm sorry for giving up," he breathed out.

Sakura seemed pensive, taking in everything he had just told her. Thankfully, her life had been mostly devoid of such disheartening situations, but she had loved enough to know what he meant.

"I can't burden you even further then," she sobbed, covering her eyes with her palms as tears started leaking. "You've already had to know so much more than you had to."

He could see her body tremble, holding in everything that had been trying to burst out for so long.

"Let it all out, Sakura," he encouraged when more tears streamed down her cheeks, carefully watching her barricade break down.

Andd she did.

For the next few minutes, Kakashi listened without flinching, acting as the crutch she needed to stand up once more.

Sakura spoke freely, unhingered. She spoke first of the beatings, the physical pain. That had been okay to deal with, as she was trained to take it more than necessary with Tsunade. That woman was something.

Discovering of her seducing of Kyo in order to gain information was yet another punch he had not expected. The little Sakura that had once been his love-struck student was long gone, and he gravely needed to burn that in his mind. The deep remorse she felt over his death nonetheless kept both images of his friend fused together. Sakura could never be one to hurt the innocent.

Remaining silent still, he braced himself for the next punches that were certain to come. She spoke of when Koroku touched her in front of him, of the incredible humilitation she had felt of being exposed as so weak and _only_ woman to him. It didn't matter to her that she had had to be naked in front of Kakashi, but not _that_.

She kept on going, unable to stop now that she had grasped the chance to spill it out. She wished Koroku had kept his abuse secret, because then she wouldn't have had to face it with him, only keep up a simple facade and it would have been easy to fool him into believing nothing had happened, as she had already done the first time. She had lied when she had denied the rape. Making him believe everything was fine and that she could go on with the plan when he knew what had happened was more taxing on her than the mission itself.

At this, Kakashi couldn't help the immense guilt that flooded his entire being. His showing weakness at her pain had caused her even more of it, forcing her to hide it all so he wouldn't crack and ruin the mission.

Kakashi could only half listen as she described the sexual acts themselves. How he had not been gentle, yet not rough either. How he played out fantasies of her being his wife, whispering sweet nothings into her ears as if she was happy to be there. Four times it had happened, she said, counting it on her fingers.

"It all really did happen," Sakura whispered quietly, after a minute of silence, a certain recognition flashing in her eyes. "It's not some sick, twisted tale I was told and I can't act as if it was."

"It is true," Kakashi said, finally releasing the breath he had been holding as he pulled her into his arms again. "It is, but it will be okay in time."

How he loathed to say that, but even more so acknoledging the truth of his words. Sakura was a strong woman. While her pain would never be erased, she would stand proud above it one day.

"I trust you," Sakura whispered against his ear.

These simple words lifted a tremendous weight from his shoulders.

"You'll be okay, just give yourself time," he said quietly, mimicking the force his heart beat with in his embrace.

"I believe you, you sound so convinced," she chuckled, leaning more into him and he could feel her fatigue.

When they were lying down, in each others' arms and the comfort of silence, when he could feel her slip into slumber, she mumured quiet words he would never forget no matter how simple they were, "thank you."

Thank you for your love. Thank you for being there. Thank you for trusting me. _Thank you for believing in me no matter what_.

Gratitude he had also felt towards her and only one close friend, gratitude he knew the intensity could only be expressed through the simplicity of those two words.

"Thank you."

**...**

**One day, just as it began, it is over.**

_Because one day, you have begun healing and are walking down a new path._

**...**

**A/N:** THE END!! Sorry if I seem so enthusiastic, but I'm happy to be done with this one! Haha. I can move on to other stuff. One day, I will certainly come back and edit the hell out of this story because I loved the first part to bits, even if I wished I'd done it differently. I've learned a lot from this two-part story and know I will keep learning more as I write.

I thank all of you who have followed this one from beginning to end. As little as they seem, the few words you drop me motivate me to keep writing since I know I'll be disappointing somebody, somewhere, if I don't finish this, just like I have been when following stories from other people.

I'm glad I didn't make you wait so long on this one, too. I hope you all enjoyed the ending. Drop a line to let me know what your thoughts were exactly!

Hope to see you guys on another story!


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